Satire

TOURIST INFORMATION CENTER

Welcome to the Ozarks! We hope you enjoy the natural beauty of our lakes, forests, and mountains. Please remember that all outdoor activities require safety and caution. If this is your first visit here, we offer the following special precautions.

First, the roads are narrow and winding and often lack shoulders. Pay attention to all road signs, especially those that say "Speed Zone Ahead," "Very Crooked and Steep," and "Sharp Right Turn."

Second, Ozarkers are sensitive about certain topics, like the Civil War, religion, and the government. Don't upset them by displaying abolitionist literature, Jewish stars, or income-tax forms. If you are a person of color, be humble and deferential, and obey all Sundown Laws.

Third, some Ozarkers are descendants of the Whiskey Rebellion, but now make methamphetamine instead of moonshine. If you encounter thin, hyperactive, angry people, don't provoke them, because they may be related to the sheriff.

Fourth, if you are interested in racially pure real estate, stop by our friendly White, Wright & Feit Realty, which is next door to the Ozark Laundering Center, where whites are separated from coloreds, and money is made squeaky clean.

Finally, before you leave, apologize to people who have cheated and assaulted you, cancel all pending litigation, and be grateful you're still alive. See y'all next year!


OZARK BOTANICAL GARDENS

Last year's show was a great success, and this year's show will be even better! In response to customer suggestions, we've made some important changes.

We've discontinued the following specimens: Wandering Jew, African Violet, Mexican Cactus, Indian Paintbrush, Japanese Maple, Chinese Cabbage, and Pansies. However, we've added the following specimens: Cannabis, Ephedra, Magic Mushrooms, Peyote, Poppy, and Colombian Coca. Sadly, our Black Dahlia developed blight, so we replaced them with White Dahlia, which, of course, are more colorful and pleasant.

For our many Civil War buffs, we have a new pavilion with authentic antebellum memorabilia. We're especially excited about our antique slave-auction platform, complete with manacles, whips, and gallows. Please note that our Whites Only water fountain is circa 1950, not 1850. Finally, as a special treat, we've arranged to have Ray Charles sing "America The Beautiful."


PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT

Biologists have discovered a new virus endemic to the Ozarks. It's called Ozarkus collusivus, and it breeds in the backrooms of banks and courthouses. Transmission is by casual contact, including whispers, winks, nods, and Masonic handshakes. There is one documented case of transmission over phone lines.

The high-risk population includes attorneys, bankers, real estate developers, public officials, and drug suspects. Symptoms are feverish bigotry, insatiable greed, sore throat from extreme secrecy, and selective amnesia with statements like, "Not that I recall."

Diagnosis is made by polygraph. There is no known treatment, so prevention is crucial. The public is advised to maintain a high index of skepticism and cynicism when exposed to courthouse proceedings. State and federal health officials have been observed sweeping the virus under carpets. Scientists at the National Institutes of Health have speculated that Ozarkus collusivus is a mutant strain of Americus corruptus.


IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO LIVE HERE!

It's a privilege to live in the Ozarks! That's our motto. It means that the Ozarks are a special place, and Ozarkers are special people. Sometimes, newcomers don't understand this, so they have all kinds of problems.

They assume that just because they are American citizens, they have a right to live here. If we allow just anybody to live here, this wouldn't be a special place anymore. So we have to judge each newcomer to see if he meets our standards.

Of course, he must respect the Cross, the Confederate flag, the Republican party, the Masons, and the National Rifle Association. He must also respect the privileges and privacy of Ozarkers who manufacture methamphetamine and belong to secret hate groups. He must never contact the state or federal government to report violations or ask for help. And he must never even mention civil rights.

In short, he must renounce his independence, self-respect, and citizenship in order to fit in here. He must understand that when we talk about family values, we're talking about our families, not his, and our family is a mafia kind of family. He must also understand that this is God's country, and we are His chosen people. Amen.


THE RANSOM INN

Welcome to our newly refurbished Ransom Inn! We provide luxury lodging and accommodations for families who have come to the Ozarks to rescue their loved ones. Whether your loved one is in a prison, nursing home, hospital, or just under house arrest, we can help you buy their release.

We operate an onsite hostage negotiation program, complete with attorneys, investigators, narcs, skinheads, and public officials. Don't worry about court -- we know the judges, and for a small fee, we can speak to them.

Since visiting hours with your loved ones will be limited, we offer special entertainment packages, including trips to Springfield, Branson, Silver Dollar City, Celebration City, and Eureka Springs. We also offer tours of local pawn shops, where you can raise some quick cash.

We want to reassure our clients that The Ransom Inn has been cleared of all kidnapping charges and is now fully licensed in Missouri, Arkansas, and Oklahoma. You can visit us on the Web at www.ransomedinbranson.com.

It's always hostage season in the Ozarks, so make your reservations early. Check in before your loved ones check out. The Ransom Inn -- your host for hostages!


OZARK RELOCATION SERVICE

Some people say the Ozarks are like quicksand -- easy to enter, but difficult to exit. That's where we come in.

We offer emergency evacuation, with helicopters, bullet-proof limousines, tanks, and SWAT teams. Our clients include minorities, civil rights activists, drug informants, and DEA agents. Last year, we rescued a sheriff who refused to look the other way.

We're proud to say we have a 95% success rate. Of course, there are some situations in the Ozarks that only God can help. In these cases, we offer a comprehensive package that includes prayer protection, life insurance, last rites, funeral services, and burial, complete with headstone, perpetual care, and Ozark wildflowers.

If you've recently moved to the Ozarks, you'll need to leave here sooner or later. So don't wait until the last minute. Call us today for a free rescue appraisal. Remember our motto, "Relocation, relocation, relocation!"